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Monday, November 19, 2012

Portrait of a Nigerian Celebrity Blogger and Her Vagina Dialogues


Yes, my dear.
She has issues.
Both small one and big ones
The good apples and the rotten apples.
These issues have become embedded in the tissues of her drama queen personality.
The issues she has been carrying along in her excess baggage.
The issues she has spilled on the street of Blogosphere and polluting the atmosphere.
She has made an issue out of her missing clitoris.
No thanks to her ignorant mother who cut off the ugly thing even before she had her milk teeth.
Female genital mutilation was a must for all baby girls in their primitive clan.
To stop them from growing up into nymphomaniacs and spreading STDs and having unwanted pregnancies her primitive mother said.
But that left our poor girl with frigidity.
“Now, how can I have an orgasm when mama cut off my clitoris?”
She whined as she gazed at herself in the mirror in her birthday suit.
Then she looked miserably at her two orange sized boobs as well.
“And that is why my breasts are small too. Because cutting off my clito also affected my breasts from developing fully since puberty.”
My dear, don’t get twisted over your sexuality.
Female genital mutilation can really do collateral damage to the sexuality of a girl and yes, frigidity is one of them. But I have good news for you!
“What good news?”
You can still have orgasm.
‘Who told you that? No clito, no orgasm.”
Clito or no clito, you can still have orgasm.
“Please, stop pulling my legs.”
Look Eve Ensler even forgot to add it to her Vagina Monologues.
So, I am letting the cat out of the bag in our own Vagina Dialogues.
“Hmm.”
Remember when we were playing hide and seek moonlight games in Mushin.
“You mean Monshine?”
What is Moonshine. I mean Mushin the ghetto. Where we all grew up in that Face –Me- I Face –You tenement behind the refuse dump after the Idi Oro Market.
“I don’t want to be reminded of the nightmares of the past.”
Fine. But lest we forget, that Cinderella never lived in denial.
“Well, I am not Cinderella.”
Okay sorry Lindarella. Before we forget the direction of our Vagina Dialogues.
“You were saying?”
Yes, as I was saying. You can have multiple orgasms even without your clitoris.
“You are kidding me!”
No way. You don’t need your clitoris to have orgasms.
“But you know that even Dan whined about not making me come.”
Must you bring up Dan the DJ again? He is married!
“Okay. No more Dan the randy dandy DJ here.”
Fine. A woman does not even need a man to have multiple orgasms.
“Are you talking about the Dildo and Vibrator?”
No girlfriend. Those are expendable bedroom toys.
“Then how?”
Through your G-Spot.
“Pllllleeaassse. Give me a break. I have heard and read volumes about the G-Spot, but I am still searching for it!”
You must have been missing the direction!
“How?”
By using the wrong compass.
“You know I hate having sex since I don’t enjoy it.”
You don’t even need sex to trigger your G-Spot.
“Please, spare me the joke. Don’t make me laugh out aloud.”
I am not kidding. You don’t need to have sex to have multiple orgasms.
“So, I will just wish for it and have it?”
Will you just listen to me?
“Okay.”
Show me your index finger.
“Here it is.”
Yeah. All you need is your index finger. Now I know you never went to boarding school where many girls lose their virginity even before puberty. Are you ready my dear?
“Yes.”
Please, shut the door.


~ By Orikinla Osinachi, Monday November 19, 2012. Lagos, Nigeria.
~ Orikinla Osinachi is the author of Scarlet Tears of London, In the House of Dogs and other books.
© Orikinla Osinachi. 2012. This is a commercial work of intellectual property. No reproduction in any format of media without the authorization and permission of the author. Any violation of the copyright is subject to litigation wherever the violation is committed.












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